time fly~~~ remember the 1st time i whine due to the stress in the work place, not knowing how to cop with all the things there? now is already 18 Nov, just one more day of attachment and i am out of the place!! this should be the happiest moment of my life! instead of going out celebrate, there is this uncertainty feeling, i am afraid, i am worried, every time were a path is about to end i start to fear what my future might be! what am i gonna be? what ministry should i join? and most of all, what God has plan for me? i love to sing, i have a dream to sing but will i be able to sing?

as a christian i have a big dream, i may not be a leader but i dream of bringing the world together bring down the walls of other believes to open the eyes to their hearts to see the one and only God, going in to the place were hearts were broken, a place were child of God lost their hope and dreams, a place were the world has forsake them.

i will build my spirit man strong enough to not lose the faith but also strong enough to carry them out to the arm of my Lord, God has never forsake me even after i had backslide for years, God still remember me dearly, holding me by my hand carrying me through every obstacles

this will be the strength that make me wanna reach out! there is thousands, millions who no not of this God, always ready to heal their broken hearts, ready to filled them with dreams and hope, ready to embrace them with the love so strong no one can deny!

i may have troubles of my own but how am i gonna look at it?
will i still run a way like my old self?
will i be stong by relying on God?
or
will i just rely n my own strength....?

i wanna be embrace all the time like a small boy but at the same time i know i have grown up, i know it's time to start giving but i am always reach my hand out to receive more! when troubles come i will build myself with prayer, worship and promise of God but i am not strong to smile when troubles arrive, seriously i am good at muti-task in some ways but definitely not in this way..

but one thing i know is that the old me with thousands of mask is slowly revealing the real self .. i am slowly opening up to others, the old me who put on fake smile is slowly smiling from the inside... God is making a change in my life and i know i will be a better man

i am worried~~ tears start to fall....

i suddenly felt all alone...
friends serving in ministry i am left behind...
stuff i wanna do but i can't, there is no one who i can approach...
"Home" is a nice place to be in but... there is no one who is free for me to rely on, i am weak... i am not independent.. i am afraid to be all alone, i know God is with me always but i need something tangible...

i can no longer tell my best, closest friend how i feel... because in order to bring them to God, i must be strong.. i felt so lost so stress.... so pain...

have been feeling up and downs lately, negative thoughts, swaying emotions hit me badly... there is times were i totally feel like giving up, backsliding and even to end my life!! thank God harry is always there to speak to me keeping me accompany!! felt so tired lately.... wanting to rest more in both God and bed, i really need to tune up my life... totally lost the spirit of wanting to do more...

during this moments of tiredness and swaying emotional and keep asking my self what is my purpose in this earth, in this church? and why when there is time i wanna backslide by inner self does not let me? it seems hard to backslide after planted in HOGC

and i finally remember.... the only things that keep me going regardless how tired i am, still wanting to plan event being happy what ever happen is to see friends being save in God especially people who went wrong ways and have their life changes now in the power of God, people like joelson, zac and many other, this are the people who do not only make Pastors keep going but they are also part of the people who keep going!! loving people with all my hearts.

there is times i dream myself going to boys home talking to the youth there, wanting to know them deeper, and also share with them all the life changing experience by the grace of God, i have also dream myself as a survey conductor going to people on the streets asking them how they feel about Christianity and at the same time invite them to the place i call home!

and to make sure no one mistake my meaning of this post, i am not trying to force Christianity in to peoples life, i just wanna love the people which the world has given hope on! and also to the people who want to know more about God but was nv given the chance too!

it's time i need privacy, it's time i need freedom... i need my own room to pray in!!! i need my own room to worship in..... were God's presence can touch me fully, my very own place were no one can come in as and when they like!!! praying and worshipping God whole hearted.... it is time i own my own belonging having my privacy like my very own laptop were i do my projects, a place were i write blogs and my dr4eams and hope AND NOT A LAPTOP WHICH IS MINE YET NEEDED TO BE SHARED WITH MY SIS!!! my itouch is now "hers" she share my laptop and use it like she own it!! why must she have what i own?!!! i hate it!!! using my iphone charger for "her" itouch bring the charger all over the house so she can use it for her own convening what is this??!!!! i am so determine to get back my stuff which i save for months just to get it!!

during this very period of time were having attachment is already pulling me down hill, my family's finance is going down hill too! i thank God for the chance for me to still give for my offering, pay my tithing, pledge for my building fund.. i am building a home not only for me, but a home for everyone.. a place were we laugh, a place were we cry while we share our problems with... a place were we worship God with His presence so great...

today was not that good.. my mum is falling sick.. the finance in my family is not doing good too, i am upset, stress, worried and tired..

singing praise and worship songs and tears roll down my face... felt the presence of God...

BUILDING FUND IS COMING!!!

was challenge to give 1.5k for this year building fund, this aamount is not small but i belive God will guide me through..

yesterday went for leaders meeting, totally cried... it hurt me so bad to see my spiritual parents cry.. they were there on stage, sharing their hearts out!! as i listen i realise one thing and that is among all the problems, all of it are about the nation, about the church. there is nothing that is about himself, he has a big heart for youth worried about places so the next generation have a place call home! as year go by lesser christian want to be pastors, lesser church having breakthrough to 1000s members, singapore may be small, singapore is small and if we are not able to let all get the chance to hear the Word of God, what are we to do?

A place we call home, may seems stable but it is not... medias, reporters and more.. why are you guys killing the dream of the youth, members, pastors, christians? why can't you see how much this place mean to us? you guys know nothing about us and you post things like you knnow every bit of us..... why are you guys so inconciderate? why are you guys so selfish

it's been so long almost a month since i came to post.. still having attachment...left 1 moth plus before going back to school for final year exam.. life have not been the same after stepping in to HOGC, i now start to learn that church is not a place we go and relax and definatly not just to have fun :) yes having fun, relaxing is part of it but not all of it.. after being a regular we will need to share burden with our leaders and Pastors.

for me, i want to share the burden the leaders and Pastors have.. as they have help me alot in my life.. it is their Philia love that keep me going in life and now this is the minimum i can do to help back!

Loves my Pastors and Leaders lots!

Feeling sick and tired.. feeling moody and ill...
did not went to church yesterday... thinking i could rest at home but i got more restless instead... having weird feeling the whole week, wonder what is going on to me?! dun want to go church, wanting to backslide from church, families in church and God's presence! but i just can't do it! i just miss God's presence that i felt every week! miss fellow shipping with my families! i dunno what is wrong with me, i can go back to smoking, drinking and emo-ing but i can feel the wrath and disappointment from God in me... but i just cant stop going to Church, everytime when the worship songs starts to play, i will just want to fall on my knee, crying, worshipping Him, telling Him how much i love Him... the power is just too strong for me to move away!! i love my leaders i love my pastors, i love the church, i love the presence of God but i just dunno how to love myself.. all i want is my friends to be saved in Christ and have them grow spiritually to give the best moment of their life to God and for this reason i dun mind sacrificing myself to let him or her be save, if i were to get hit by a car just to save the one i love, i will not want him or her to cry and say are you ok?! please hang on, the ambulance will be arriving! but all i want is him/her to raise his/hand up high and say Lord, i am sorry for my sin, please come in to my life and clense me clean so that i could give you the best year of my life! Amen! that will be the best thing the person could do for me..

in a state were my soul against my spirit, my heart against my soul and my body telling me that i am tired i wanna give up....

there is time, i do not wanna go to church, but before i knew it i am in church, there is time were i do not feel like praying, do not know what to pray for but the next min i am on my knee crying out to God, there is times i want to go back to smoking that's were i can really smile, were my smile can be found, i may get dizzy, everything look blur that moment but at less all my problems, my stress my doubts are cast away, after smoke i am stronger no longer weak no longer wanting to cry yet at the same time i will be much more vulgar, but the fear of God keep stirring in my heart, i dunno lost, confuse, tired, emotional... 8 more days to a brand new year for me but i just dun want to grow, i dun want to have expectation, responsible i just wanna run around like a small kid... being embrace in all my brothers and sisters...

i have a friend whoo msg me alot, i am happy to have 1 person who will keep msging me but having emotion like this now is hard for me to reply her.. i dun want to talk.. i just wanna...stay...

HAPPY HARI RAYA!!!

no need to work today, had plan an outing since the start of this week!.. went bowling, watch movie, and play pool for the whole day! was tired and stress, did not really enjoy everything, was busy making sure everyone enjoy the day, before everything started had friends saying:" hey henry your planning really cannot make it, really sux sia...." just to let you know i had attachement the whole week from morning to night the only time to check what place is fun, were got nice place, got what movies the time slot and stuff is out of the time were i can really enjoy my free time after work watching TV, playing computer games.. there is time i slept late to discuss with my leader were and what we can really plan.. i am tired as much as you guys are.. you guys really have no idea how worried i am when u say that my plan sux... trying to blend my besties and friends from differen schools and of differen age together is not easy ok?! but all i can say is that i have done my best... running around making sure everyone is good not left behind and stuff is tiring.. but i did try.. there is so much love i want to share, there is so much love you need to see! they are the one i love... and i love them all my heart and my life!...

hey guy!

have been back after a long long time hahas, it's been 7 months since i have accepted God in my life and i am growing in God faithfully hahas ! this few month having my attachment in maritec, life over there in not easy! lots of work, low pay, and need to work on alt weekend dame sian but over all i's gonna be ok! i believe God will make a way!


yesterday was Sonia's birthday! went to celebrate after my work with the whole CG! today was my sister birthday! hahas manage to reach home few min before 12 midnight to celebrate her birthday, i feel like a bad brother, instead of going home and spend time with her i went out with my colleague to catch fried rice Paradise the musical... but the stirring of my heart seeing them performing, singing on stage make wanna be like them! yet i wanna studies phycologist or psychiatrist i wanna understand why human being act in this manner why human being will do this action and in what condition the person will do this or act in this manner! i wanna help and be able to help them... but i also wanna sing, act in theater being in opera or in musical i wanna bring joy to others! i dunno...

a confess i got to make.. yesterday after celebrating sonia's birthday i went smoking with 2 friends.. i wanted to go back in to smoking a long time since 2 month ago but i have been holding back but when he place the stick in front of me i just seems to lose myself... onw of my friend say i have change he prefer me last time cause i am who i am last time.. but i dunno am i getting worst? i dunno.. haizz gonna get some sleep before work tomorrow ...

night~

It's been a period of time since i blog and i am back to publish more! happy? haha
u should know by now whenever i start to post something it means i have problem again >.<

have finally re accepted Christ back into my life and manage to relearn alot of stuff the sentence "God love you just the way you are!" really help me build up my confidence and "you will nv be alone for God is always with you!" also encourage me when ever i am alone! it is great to know Him in this way! have invited the Holy Sprite in to me so i can talk to God in tongue.

praying to God, worshiping God, reading God's word i have no problem is just the consistence that is the problem...

fellowship with God, hearing His voice is hard! i need to spend more time in his presence!!!!

but there is always a feeling! a feeling that keep stirring in my heart a feeling i want to do more then this i want to serve him and stuff kind of feeling! but is it really what i want? will i have time crash? AHHH all this drive me nut!

Confuse i am make me start thinking about stuff more complicated then ever......

feeling close to God make me feel more relax but going any more nearer need me to be committed... commitment is nv my type of job, all i wish is just having freedom being set free from all boundary and burdens, God will help me remove my sin, my burdens but that does not set me free i will need to be as one with the lord and serve him and they say the greatest reward is to be with him stay with him? if that's the case were is the freedom? and is this what i want?

why am i close to God? is it just because i want to be with HIM? or is it because of friends? what will happen if all my friend left? will i still be faithful and stay committed?

~~~~~

i will soon hear if i am approve to work part time in resort world sentosa, i have chosen part-time instead of casual timing cause part time will be more stable then casual timing, but part time need to work at less 22 hours per week that will remove Friday afternoon time, Saturday and Sunday timing, which mean is i am to work there i will not be able to go for servicing, worshiping and praising

GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!! i do not know if you can hear me but i hope you can help me with choice

it's been a long time since i came back to post again, back here with problems, moods, and stuff that's is done....

2010 a brand new year got in to the course i wanted so far every thing is still ok peace, fun and enjoyable time

but life at home is not the same, my mom have stop working for the moment and she will be of cause staying at home doing housework and stuff, with her at home mean lots of stuff i do at home will be a risk for example watching pornography, masturbating (well that's all for the naughty part) but most of all i cannot do emotional stuff like crying, screaming my lungs off in the room and throwing my pillow and stuff everywhere on the floor or blasting my new creative speaker i just bought last month.

knew lots of friends in school some are close some still getting along over all not bad and we also did have some outing by ours elf like having steamboat follow by shisha and some of us did catch movies together have a fun time which i do not have for some time, but there is still gaps between us....... hoping one day we could all go out again together with no one missing......

life in school and at home as u can see is still ok, having friends that look for other outing plans and having mom spending more time at home with me. this is the best i wish for but i still feel a empty dark cold pain feeling deep in my heart, the emptiness in my heart make me feel so alone so far a way from everybody........

just have a swimming time trail yesterday lester was there i was so happy to see him after dunno how many weeks, eliza, amber and wy is still missing nv see them there but i did not call them either, i broke my own record for 50 meter freestyle last year was 50+ sec but yesterday i only took 45 sec i am happy but disappointed i still find myself very slow there is also some junior that swim faster then me, 30 sec is the timing i want gonna pratice hard to reach that timing

" I do not mind you hating me, just dont leave me, being alone without you is my worst nightmare, i maybe a guy but i am not as independence as you think i am."