Job

Going to ORD, I thought I had my life plan out, and I did! What irritate me most was the way my bf do stuff.. I told him I wanted to try working in hotel but he and his friends start telling me the job is not good, working hour are long, promotion that take forever, but agree to let me work in it...

I am like why are u telling me all this when I am not asking?!

U dun't tell ppl the chocolate cake are expensive, look like shit due to the colour, and the texture is thick like semen and the taste is bitter and ask the person to try, do you? And who would still wanna try?!

Plus it is still a job! There are many still living with the pay u say that are low, working hours that are long, so what's wrong with it?

Regardless what kind of jobs there are defiantly pros and cons it depends on how u look at it!

Even if it come a day where I wanted to be a Colex driver, I will still be proud when collecting my pay because I am doing a decent job! I did not get my pay from robbing and stealing

Tears...

Tired, really emotionally tired.... Everyday before I end my duty there will always be a quarrel or a fight...

He is angry for something I did, but I am not sure what wrong with what I did! He does not care to explain more... And ask me to go think about it...

Book in to camp on Friday... Sat I can secretly book out for a whole day.... But I am lazy after thinking about the traveling.... It will take up to 4 hours just to travel from my camp to his house and back to camp!! It was already 11am then.... Plus I will be on duty the following day... Yes I gave him false hope.. Yes I disappoint him but I am the one doing the traveling..... Not him....

After this incident every evening we would quarrel about the stuff I like on Facebook.... Even after I remove all that he "so call" hate and unfollow it, he now quarrel about the post that I posted... It is an MV (music video) not sex clips!

I am really tired of all the argument...
I hate it when we quarrel just because he is angry about other stuff and vent it out on me....
I hate it when I disappoint him or gave him false hope then he came back giving the pain I had given him...

I got a feeling the 4D number that I wanted to buy which was sold out and open up as a 1st prize on sat was because I and him argue.... It was because of that quarrel, God of wealth walk away from me!

My 1st time having this feeling so strong that I am gonna win something big but was all ruined by a fight which is avoided

I did something really wrong few days back which lead to who he is now... And I am paying back my sin by tolerating all this with no power, no chance, full of shame and guilt to fight back, it is my fault for doing what i am not suppose to and I should be thankful that he is willing to accept me back...

How long more

Was celebrating my mom's birthday ...

And realize she is no longer young and lively as she was... She is already hitting her 50+ this year!

I wanted to go after my music life but I am not financially wealthy, am still relying on my mom's monthly pay.... As I was celebrating my mom's birthday, her age kinda hit me hard... Thoughts running through my head

How long can she support me?
Should I be selfish and continue my passion?

She is my pillar for all my life, she gave me advise when I meet my cross junction in life, she is always there when I am sad, she encourage me to do what I want even though she know she will suffer a little more, she only think about us and nv trouble us with her troubles so we could go after what we want...

I cannot imagine life without her...

Who am I? There is a dream i dream to be, a life, no song unsung, no wine untasted...

How many one more day could I see, how many one more day can I hold on to?

Afraid of regrets and too late....

What would I become of when she is gone?

Gifts

Sunday in camp was nv a fun neither was a dread thing for me, felt very neutral

But what make look forward today is that my officer 2lt Ng wei ren is doing duty with me!

Ok I know it sounded gay, but it was because he is nice and fun to interact with, at 1st I wanted to keep a distance from him, like how I would treat other officer but when he is in the veh, we would have nv ending conversation! Even though we did not know each other for a long period of time, it is very easy to just open up my problem to him and he would just open up to me! He kinda give a very familiar and close feeling like how I feel toward my best friend wei quan who had ORD this earlier part of the month!

Ok this is not the main point!!

The main point is that,

He already know that I will be doing duty today, and went I am fetch him to tower at 8 am for his duty he took out a big box of hello panda cookies with many small packs of three different flavors and gave it to me! I was surprise and happy, at the same time shock cause I totally did not expect him to buy me things!

I ask him, how come u would suddenly by this for me? And he replied " oh cause today u duty mah and I understand that having duty on Sunday is a pain, so I got u this to cheer u on :) "

So sweet of him!

Giving a random present on a random day does help cheer ppl up regardless he likes what u give or not.

Felt appreciated and really appreciate someone who is just a normal friend would do such a stuff for me!

Relationship

It has been so long since i last posted.... I am left with 4 more month till ORD date...

Well I am attach with my bf for 4 months and 11 days since 160912

Life were sweet and blessed, he is a nice guy who have dreams and passion... But we were different in many ways

life together were not as smooth as it use to, there were always argument, shouting at each other across the phone and disappointment in each other....

What I had in mind will nv be in agreement with his and what he what will not be what I wanted...

Everytime we argue about how we feel or disappointment that either of us had made, we will always lead to miscommunication and instead of getting solution to solve our problems, the situation will eventually get bigger then always, irregardless how small the problem begin with....

We will always find fault in each other and the worst part is he will alway return an eye for an eye....

He will always find me walking too slowly while I always find him walking too fast,

since we could not spend everyday together He will put his off day together with my off day so we could spend more time together but I feel that we had spend more then enough time together because beside camp then next place to spend is with him at his place... I rarely go home just to accompany him but he got angry because I spend a couple of my/our off day to go for my friends treats/ party...

He have passion for fishing, he does not mind paying extra so that the trip with his best friends would become a reality, and he warn me not to stop him or he would break up with me...

But the moment I mention about my passion for music and wanting it to make in to a career he fully object even after I told him I would also take up a side course so if my music career did not succeed I would at less still have something I know to work with..I understand that music required lots of time and money, I too know that it is risky to make my passion as a job but I am willing to give in all my best because I do not wish to regret giving up on something I love dearly when I am at the older stage of my life, I only had 1 life, it is now or never!

I am very disappointed that the one who have passion for something is stopping me from going after my passion... What hurt me even more is that the one I love not only stop me from going after my passion but also adding salt on my wound by telling me I will not succeed and ask me to be more realistic...

To him everything that had happen is due to me... It is only my fault( it is confirm and verified by him when I asked him)

He mention that he had given nothing but his best for me and our future.. But to me whatever he want for me and our future is how he want it to be, simple because he never ask me how i want my future to be, he nv ask me what kind of life I wanted it to be, it is only his opinion/ decision and nv mine, I nv wanted him to work during his off day beside having a full time job so we could have high class life or plenty of oversea trip.

I know he love me, but he is not giving me the attention that I want...

I care that's why I bother to meet him after work or willing to wait extra hours so we could have dinner together... A simple life, we may not be able to hold hand while walking down the streets but at less walk side by side, giving assurance that" yup he is with me, I am not alone"

Simply ask how is your day? What are u doing? and not where are u? I am your bf not your maid or convict neither do our conversation be in "reporting to officer or sir" format

Care and concern not doubts and suspecting
Trust and respect not demanding or Dominating
When things go wrong know how to give in not conquering

While we are together leading life together, we each still have life on our own we are still in relationship not marriage

I still love u, dun question, dun doubt, dun suspect

Do not treat what each other's good doing as "suppose to" we dun owe each other anything....

so long

it's been so long~~ NS life now...

a driver in TDS.. life there was good ^^ people there are friendly and nice..
went for physiotherapy today was tired due to illness but i endured it through out, was quite proud to accomplish something physical hahas

after physio went to NUH to get medication for my flu and sore throat... the doc insist on giving me 2 days mc cause my throat and tonsillitis swell, i have KM to clock and decided to go back camp the following day, having MC is not even my plan to have in the 1st place...

took them 2 hr till my number was called and the consultation lasted less then 10 min~~ i guess it must be serious and need not diagnose more. After collecting my MC i call one of my buddy and told him i on 2 days MC ( but will be coming back ) BUT! before i could finish my words i highlighted he scream and shouted at me for getting them in to trouble just for taking MC after my physio, i was astonish! i was furious at him for shouting at me! He did not bother asking what happen? or are u ok? even after i told him i was sick! he is a christian! he care about himself and nothing more.. he does not speak life in to people and he is as stubborn as a mule he nothing Christ-likeness . he always say i no brain, i just smile or told him off but deep in me i was saying i have brain at less i use it in better ways then him.. and so what if i do not have brain at less i have a heart for others! and most of all he said that i do not have a brain and but look again he either have brain but do not use it or better he does not have one himself! i am random just like the way i speak BUT THIS DOES NOT MEAN I DO NOT HAVE BRAIN!!

Reason behind why i dun confront back is because

1) i have taught to speak life, it is hard for me to confront unless go overboard.
2) i maybe angry and mad but i need time off to reflect if it is my fault.
3) no point confronting i feel guilty if it end up both party are angry..

i cherish all my friends and i rather make more friends then foe, i hate getting in to troubles!

time fly~~~ remember the 1st time i whine due to the stress in the work place, not knowing how to cop with all the things there? now is already 18 Nov, just one more day of attachment and i am out of the place!! this should be the happiest moment of my life! instead of going out celebrate, there is this uncertainty feeling, i am afraid, i am worried, every time were a path is about to end i start to fear what my future might be! what am i gonna be? what ministry should i join? and most of all, what God has plan for me? i love to sing, i have a dream to sing but will i be able to sing?

as a christian i have a big dream, i may not be a leader but i dream of bringing the world together bring down the walls of other believes to open the eyes to their hearts to see the one and only God, going in to the place were hearts were broken, a place were child of God lost their hope and dreams, a place were the world has forsake them.

i will build my spirit man strong enough to not lose the faith but also strong enough to carry them out to the arm of my Lord, God has never forsake me even after i had backslide for years, God still remember me dearly, holding me by my hand carrying me through every obstacles

this will be the strength that make me wanna reach out! there is thousands, millions who no not of this God, always ready to heal their broken hearts, ready to filled them with dreams and hope, ready to embrace them with the love so strong no one can deny!

i may have troubles of my own but how am i gonna look at it?
will i still run a way like my old self?
will i be stong by relying on God?
or
will i just rely n my own strength....?

i wanna be embrace all the time like a small boy but at the same time i know i have grown up, i know it's time to start giving but i am always reach my hand out to receive more! when troubles come i will build myself with prayer, worship and promise of God but i am not strong to smile when troubles arrive, seriously i am good at muti-task in some ways but definitely not in this way..

but one thing i know is that the old me with thousands of mask is slowly revealing the real self .. i am slowly opening up to others, the old me who put on fake smile is slowly smiling from the inside... God is making a change in my life and i know i will be a better man