Feeling sick and tired.. feeling moody and ill...
did not went to church yesterday... thinking i could rest at home but i got more restless instead... having weird feeling the whole week, wonder what is going on to me?! dun want to go church, wanting to backslide from church, families in church and God's presence! but i just can't do it! i just miss God's presence that i felt every week! miss fellow shipping with my families! i dunno what is wrong with me, i can go back to smoking, drinking and emo-ing but i can feel the wrath and disappointment from God in me... but i just cant stop going to Church, everytime when the worship songs starts to play, i will just want to fall on my knee, crying, worshipping Him, telling Him how much i love Him... the power is just too strong for me to move away!! i love my leaders i love my pastors, i love the church, i love the presence of God but i just dunno how to love myself.. all i want is my friends to be saved in Christ and have them grow spiritually to give the best moment of their life to God and for this reason i dun mind sacrificing myself to let him or her be save, if i were to get hit by a car just to save the one i love, i will not want him or her to cry and say are you ok?! please hang on, the ambulance will be arriving! but all i want is him/her to raise his/hand up high and say Lord, i am sorry for my sin, please come in to my life and clense me clean so that i could give you the best year of my life! Amen! that will be the best thing the person could do for me..

in a state were my soul against my spirit, my heart against my soul and my body telling me that i am tired i wanna give up....

there is time, i do not wanna go to church, but before i knew it i am in church, there is time were i do not feel like praying, do not know what to pray for but the next min i am on my knee crying out to God, there is times i want to go back to smoking that's were i can really smile, were my smile can be found, i may get dizzy, everything look blur that moment but at less all my problems, my stress my doubts are cast away, after smoke i am stronger no longer weak no longer wanting to cry yet at the same time i will be much more vulgar, but the fear of God keep stirring in my heart, i dunno lost, confuse, tired, emotional... 8 more days to a brand new year for me but i just dun want to grow, i dun want to have expectation, responsible i just wanna run around like a small kid... being embrace in all my brothers and sisters...

i have a friend whoo msg me alot, i am happy to have 1 person who will keep msging me but having emotion like this now is hard for me to reply her.. i dun want to talk.. i just wanna...stay...

HAPPY HARI RAYA!!!

no need to work today, had plan an outing since the start of this week!.. went bowling, watch movie, and play pool for the whole day! was tired and stress, did not really enjoy everything, was busy making sure everyone enjoy the day, before everything started had friends saying:" hey henry your planning really cannot make it, really sux sia...." just to let you know i had attachement the whole week from morning to night the only time to check what place is fun, were got nice place, got what movies the time slot and stuff is out of the time were i can really enjoy my free time after work watching TV, playing computer games.. there is time i slept late to discuss with my leader were and what we can really plan.. i am tired as much as you guys are.. you guys really have no idea how worried i am when u say that my plan sux... trying to blend my besties and friends from differen schools and of differen age together is not easy ok?! but all i can say is that i have done my best... running around making sure everyone is good not left behind and stuff is tiring.. but i did try.. there is so much love i want to share, there is so much love you need to see! they are the one i love... and i love them all my heart and my life!...

hey guy!

have been back after a long long time hahas, it's been 7 months since i have accepted God in my life and i am growing in God faithfully hahas ! this few month having my attachment in maritec, life over there in not easy! lots of work, low pay, and need to work on alt weekend dame sian but over all i's gonna be ok! i believe God will make a way!


yesterday was Sonia's birthday! went to celebrate after my work with the whole CG! today was my sister birthday! hahas manage to reach home few min before 12 midnight to celebrate her birthday, i feel like a bad brother, instead of going home and spend time with her i went out with my colleague to catch fried rice Paradise the musical... but the stirring of my heart seeing them performing, singing on stage make wanna be like them! yet i wanna studies phycologist or psychiatrist i wanna understand why human being act in this manner why human being will do this action and in what condition the person will do this or act in this manner! i wanna help and be able to help them... but i also wanna sing, act in theater being in opera or in musical i wanna bring joy to others! i dunno...

a confess i got to make.. yesterday after celebrating sonia's birthday i went smoking with 2 friends.. i wanted to go back in to smoking a long time since 2 month ago but i have been holding back but when he place the stick in front of me i just seems to lose myself... onw of my friend say i have change he prefer me last time cause i am who i am last time.. but i dunno am i getting worst? i dunno.. haizz gonna get some sleep before work tomorrow ...

night~