in a state were my soul against my spirit, my heart against my soul and my body telling me that i am tired i wanna give up....

there is time, i do not wanna go to church, but before i knew it i am in church, there is time were i do not feel like praying, do not know what to pray for but the next min i am on my knee crying out to God, there is times i want to go back to smoking that's were i can really smile, were my smile can be found, i may get dizzy, everything look blur that moment but at less all my problems, my stress my doubts are cast away, after smoke i am stronger no longer weak no longer wanting to cry yet at the same time i will be much more vulgar, but the fear of God keep stirring in my heart, i dunno lost, confuse, tired, emotional... 8 more days to a brand new year for me but i just dun want to grow, i dun want to have expectation, responsible i just wanna run around like a small kid... being embrace in all my brothers and sisters...

i have a friend whoo msg me alot, i am happy to have 1 person who will keep msging me but having emotion like this now is hard for me to reply her.. i dun want to talk.. i just wanna...stay...