time fly~~~ remember the 1st time i whine due to the stress in the work place, not knowing how to cop with all the things there? now is already 18 Nov, just one more day of attachment and i am out of the place!! this should be the happiest moment of my life! instead of going out celebrate, there is this uncertainty feeling, i am afraid, i am worried, every time were a path is about to end i start to fear what my future might be! what am i gonna be? what ministry should i join? and most of all, what God has plan for me? i love to sing, i have a dream to sing but will i be able to sing?

as a christian i have a big dream, i may not be a leader but i dream of bringing the world together bring down the walls of other believes to open the eyes to their hearts to see the one and only God, going in to the place were hearts were broken, a place were child of God lost their hope and dreams, a place were the world has forsake them.

i will build my spirit man strong enough to not lose the faith but also strong enough to carry them out to the arm of my Lord, God has never forsake me even after i had backslide for years, God still remember me dearly, holding me by my hand carrying me through every obstacles

this will be the strength that make me wanna reach out! there is thousands, millions who no not of this God, always ready to heal their broken hearts, ready to filled them with dreams and hope, ready to embrace them with the love so strong no one can deny!

i may have troubles of my own but how am i gonna look at it?
will i still run a way like my old self?
will i be stong by relying on God?
or
will i just rely n my own strength....?

i wanna be embrace all the time like a small boy but at the same time i know i have grown up, i know it's time to start giving but i am always reach my hand out to receive more! when troubles come i will build myself with prayer, worship and promise of God but i am not strong to smile when troubles arrive, seriously i am good at muti-task in some ways but definitely not in this way..

but one thing i know is that the old me with thousands of mask is slowly revealing the real self .. i am slowly opening up to others, the old me who put on fake smile is slowly smiling from the inside... God is making a change in my life and i know i will be a better man

i am worried~~ tears start to fall....

i suddenly felt all alone...
friends serving in ministry i am left behind...
stuff i wanna do but i can't, there is no one who i can approach...
"Home" is a nice place to be in but... there is no one who is free for me to rely on, i am weak... i am not independent.. i am afraid to be all alone, i know God is with me always but i need something tangible...

i can no longer tell my best, closest friend how i feel... because in order to bring them to God, i must be strong.. i felt so lost so stress.... so pain...

have been feeling up and downs lately, negative thoughts, swaying emotions hit me badly... there is times were i totally feel like giving up, backsliding and even to end my life!! thank God harry is always there to speak to me keeping me accompany!! felt so tired lately.... wanting to rest more in both God and bed, i really need to tune up my life... totally lost the spirit of wanting to do more...

during this moments of tiredness and swaying emotional and keep asking my self what is my purpose in this earth, in this church? and why when there is time i wanna backslide by inner self does not let me? it seems hard to backslide after planted in HOGC

and i finally remember.... the only things that keep me going regardless how tired i am, still wanting to plan event being happy what ever happen is to see friends being save in God especially people who went wrong ways and have their life changes now in the power of God, people like joelson, zac and many other, this are the people who do not only make Pastors keep going but they are also part of the people who keep going!! loving people with all my hearts.

there is times i dream myself going to boys home talking to the youth there, wanting to know them deeper, and also share with them all the life changing experience by the grace of God, i have also dream myself as a survey conductor going to people on the streets asking them how they feel about Christianity and at the same time invite them to the place i call home!

and to make sure no one mistake my meaning of this post, i am not trying to force Christianity in to peoples life, i just wanna love the people which the world has given hope on! and also to the people who want to know more about God but was nv given the chance too!